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My First Thanksgiving November 22, 2009

Posted by phoenixhopes in Holidays, motherhood, thoughts.

Tomorrow, November 23, 2009 is, in some ways, the first day of my life. My mother died when she was 51 years and 8 weeks old and that is precisely my age today. I was 15 when she died and my mother was the center of my world. Her death left a hole in my heart that has never been filled. Since the day she died I have lived in the shadow of that  loss. It has shaped me more than any other event in my life.

For months this has been on my mind and I’ve been mulling over what to write, how to commemorate the day.  From the time I wake up tomorrow I can no longer think “when my mother was this old, her life was like this”.  For the past 36 years, in one way or another, I’ve always compared myself to my mother. Although I always knew it wasn’t founded in truth or logic, I often wondered if I would live longer than she did.

Tomorrow morning I step out from under the shadow and take my first steps as my own person. Later this week I’ll celebrate what could be thought of as my first Thanksgiving. I know it’s symbolic and nothing fundamental will change about who I am, but at the same time, everything has changed and I have much to be thankful for. I’ve survived. I have a future. I have hope.