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My Day January 13, 2013

Posted by phoenixhopes in Kids, Knitting, life, teens.
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Today this happened

PadKeeMaoTofu Pad Kee Mao at Siam Cafe. Every time I go there I think I should try something new but when I do, I always wish I got Pad Kee Mao instead. So I stuck with what I know I love. Of course we had our favorite Sticky Rice with Ginger Garlic Sauce as an appetizer. Lucky me! I have leftovers in the fridge!

And this happened

ShoppingBagNew shoes from Target. (“What? You want to take a picture of my shopping bag? Why would you want to do that? OK. Whatever…”)

My companion for the day


Claims that we weren’t really here

TheVoiceAudition“Um, mom, why are you taking that picture. You aren’t going to put that on Facebook are you?”

Nope, not Facebook…

But if we weren’t there, waiting for hours and hours and hours, where did I find all the time to do this?

MittenWhen I started the day it was just sticks and string and now look, it’s almost a mitten… or a glove… or maybe both. (I really need to learn to take better pictures of my knitting.)

I think we had a great day.



The only constant is change August 25, 2008

Posted by phoenixhopes in motherhood, teens, thoughts.

Did you ever have a pain so raw and so deep that you couldn’t look it squarely in the face? You had to dance around it, stealing glances, sure that if you made eye contact it would wash over you like a tidal wave and you would be consumed?

This is what my summer has been, waiting and dreading the day I had to face another change in my life. Yesterday I moved my thirteen year old, my baby, to the big city to live with his brother. It’s a good move for him, the right one, full of opportunity and hope. He’s surrounded by people that know him and like him and will grow to love and nurture him. I expect that he’ll flourish and grow to become the man he’s meant to be.

Deciding to let him go was a decision I made for him and not for me. It seems that most of the decisions in my life, big and small, have been made for my children. Where will I live? Will I stay at this job? How will I spend my money? Who will I spend my spare time with? What will I do this weekend? Some days I wonder — when do I choose based on what I really want? When do I choose the ending I most want to see?

Almost every conversation I’ve had over the past few months discussing this move has been centered on what is best for my boy — The school here is killing his spirit. He needs a place to let loose his creativity. He spends too much time alone. He needs the daily influence of men in his life. He wants to go. He’s happy and relaxed in a way I haven’t seen in years. This is the right thing for him. He’ll be ok.

Through it all I’ve wondered if I would also be ok. I’m tired of changes, tired of adjusting, tired of watching my dreams die. I’ve reminded myself that mothers throughout the ages have made the hard choices for their children, sending them off to their destiny even when they want to hold them close. I’ve told myself (although I’m not so sure I fully believe it) that I’m a better mother for making this choice. Somehow, by letting him go and live apart from me, I will help him become more whole and more the man he is supposed to be.

But the pain lurks, like a dragon, just around the corner. I have to consciously hold it away from me so I’m not consumed. I’m afraid if I look it square in the face that I’ll be overwhelmed and immobilized by the enormity of it all. I have to keep moving forward, to somehow make it through the long quiet nights when the doubts and the loneliness sneak up on me. I have to convince myself that I can survive this change as well as the others that came before it. That somehow, in the end, I’ll be ok.

Teenagers September 21, 2007

Posted by phoenixhopes in motherhood, teens.
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It’s like this, you spend the first 10 or 12 or whatever amount of years building a go-cart with your kids, then somewhere in the teens, you both hop on and start careening down a hill. Unfortunately, there are no brakes and the steering doesn’t work so well. In order to make your way around trees and big rocks, you’ll need to lean your body hard to the side. And hope that your passenger is also leaning in the same direction. The rocks don’t necessarily mean you’re doing anything wrong and you can learn to maneuver around them. No matter what you do, you’re going to get hit in the face with a few branches. And sometimes, you’ll hit a nice smooth, grassy spot that isn’t so steep. That part of the ride is quite enjoyable and eventually you’ll have more grass than rocks. Somehow, while you are hurtling down the hill, you need to transition the parent out of the driver’s seat and watch the emerging adult start to navigate. The goal is for both of you to make it to the bottom of the hill in one piece.