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Catching up June 14, 2008

Posted by phoenixhopes in thoughts.
1 comment so far

One of the themes in my life the last few years is the phrase “Feels like doesn’t mean is”.  I know my emotions are only semi-trustworthy, fueled by hormones, lack of sleep, sunshine (or the lack thereof), how much chocolate I’ve consumed lately, and so on. Feelings and emotions are a barometer and not to be ignored, but I try not to let them define the situation.

I have a major tendency to be hard on myself. Deep down in the core of my personality is a perfectionist who sees everything in black and white. Everything is categoriezed as either “good” or “bad” with nothing in between. The “good” means everything, down to the smallest detail is perfect. One speck of “bad” and it’s all rotten. I fight that inner perfectionist daily and I’ve learned to challenge her rigid way of viewing things. Few things in life, especially when looking at our actions and choices, are stark black and white. I’m slowly learning to accept that life is shades of gray with occasional burts of rainbows.

I’ve been quiet lately because I’ve only been able to see my faults and failings. Life has been more than overwhelming and I haven’t had much confidence in myself as a mother, an employee, a friend. I’ve tried to listen to that voice of reason and not let those feelings define me, but it’s been tough. I haven’t wanted to share my dark side. I’m cautious about being too transparent out here in public and it’s just been simpler to be quiet.

I’ll be back, hopefully soon.