I don’t much like Christmas. There, I said it, so shoot me. I don’t like the expectations, I don’t like the expense, I don’t like the crowds. I don’t like the mess. Should I go on? (The food however… I do like the food. Christmas food is awesome. Cardamon rolls, butter toffee, cookies, candies, peppermint ice cream, one tiny sip of eggnog. The food I’ll keep.)
At Christmas I fight too many ghosts… those unpleasant memories of not so great Christmases Past. Memories of never doing enough, never being enough. Of trying to make up for a dad who was too drunk to care.
I know, I know, I have a choice. THIS is my life now and I want to live in it and not in the past. I can make Christmas whatever I want it to be. But what if I just want it to be over? I want to wake up and it’s just another day and I can go back to the regularly scheduled struggle of being a single mom. I don’t want to deal with all this extra pressure.
I don’t think there’s any getting out of it though. Christmas will be in three days even if I attempt to wish it away. And, like it or not, I am the mother, the responsible one. It’s up to me to help the kids have good memories of the time we spend together. Although I try to gift them with things they want and need, I really don’t much care if they remember the ’stuff’ with fondness. I do care that they remember the time.
Maybe I’m just the Memory Facilitator. My job isn’t to infuse their brains with happiness and peace but to help create an atmosphere where cozy family times can incubate and grow. I can set the scene but I can’t make them get along.
My Christmas Wish for my children is that they can look back on the time we spend together without the need to fight the Ghost of Christmas Past. And maybe, when enough time has passed, my own ghosts will fade away.
