Neil Gaiman’s New Year Benediction December 31, 2011
Posted by phoenixhopes in Holidays, Neil Gaiman, New Years, Uncategorized.add a comment
May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you’re wonderful, and don’t forget to make some art – write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. May your coming year be a wonderful thing in which you dream both dangerously and outrageously.I hope you’ll make something that didn’t exist before you made it, that you will be loved and you will be liked and you will have people to love and to like in return. And most importantly, because I think there should be more kindness and more wisdom in the world right now – I hope that you will, when you need to be, be wise and that you will always be kind. And I hope that somewhere in the next year you surprise yourself
And his New Year wish for 2011…
I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.
Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You’re doing things you’ve never done before, and more importantly, you’re Doing Something.So that’s my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody’s ever made before. Don’t freeze, don’t stop, don’t worry that it isn’t good enough, or it isn’t perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.Whatever it is you’re scared of doing, Do it.Make your mistakes, next year and forever.
One step at a time September 10, 2011
Posted by phoenixhopes in Goals, lists, Procrastination, randomness, thoughts.add a comment
When I am feeling overwhelmed, I make lists. Books to read. Knitting to accomplish. Clothes to sew. Spring Cleaning projects to complete (and yes, I am well aware that it is now almost Fall), Closets to organize. Errands that simply must be run. Work projects that never end. Birthdays I don’t want to forget (but probably will). Letters to write. And on and on and on. Writing lists helps me stay sane. If it’s on a list somewhere then I can hope that someday, maybe, if I persevere and my luck holds out, everything will get done.
Lately I found I needed a new list just to keep track of the ever-reproducing stack of lists on my desk. Yes, life is busy and ever-changing. Not that this is a necessarily bad thing – busy is better than bored – but too often the busy-ness of the urgent leaves little to no time left for the gazillion and seven other important things I want to do. Like blogging, for instance.
“Get back to blogging” is high on every list of personal goals I’ve made in the past year. I say that writing is important to me, a way to process the events in my life, a way to move some things from the hamster wheel in my brain to a more concrete format, a way to remember things I would otherwise forget. But do I make it a priority? Not very often. I write in fits and starts, as evidenced by the history here. Of course, I do write things, many things, that never make their way to this public peek into my brain, but even that has been much lower volume than I would prefer lately.
Writing is only one of the items on my “Feed My Creativity” list. Potential knitting projects take up an entire page there is even a line item for “learn to crochet”. I’ve been hit by a sewing bug lately (fed by a combination of weight loss and the fact that sometimes it’s cheaper to sew than buy new clothes) and have an ever-growing list of projects calling to me. There are recipes I want to try, crafty ideas for Christmas gifts, and practicing the magic of making yarn out of wool.
I think I’ve realized that the only way I’m going to get things done is to learn to be just a bit selfish. That’s not always a bad word, you know. Sometimes “selfish” means “take care of yourself too” or “remember to feed your soul”. I’ve spent most of my life focusing on taking care of others (and let me unequivocally state I have no regrets about that!) but I think I’m moving into another phase. My kids are growing up. It’s not that they don’t need me – I think and hope they will always need me – but they need me in different and less labor intensive ways. I’m not obliged to a spouse or significant other so my time has become more of my own. My challenge now is to decide how to spend that time.
All that to say that you’ll be hearing from me a bit more often. How often? Who knows? One little baby step at a time and I’ll get back in the swing of things. My hope is that very soon writing and blogging will become a habit again instead of just one more item on my wish list.
Overheard in line at Borders June 5, 2010
Posted by phoenixhopes in Books, Overheard.2 comments
It was pouring down rain and a grandfather said to his 8 or 9 year old grandson:
“Wow, look at that rain. Too bad we didn’t bring an umbrella. But then, if we had an umbrella, we probably wouldn’t need it. Do you believe we can control the weather by carrying an umbrella?”
Grandson, rather dubiously responded:
“Well… we could control how wet we got.”
Knitting Progress June 1, 2010
Posted by phoenixhopes in Goals, Knitting.5 comments
I learned to knit about five years ago and from the beginning I’ve dreamed about knitting socks. I love the pretty yarns. I love the pretty patterns. I love the idea of wearing a little something I made on my feet. I even love the thought that they will eventually wear out and need to be replaced (weird, I know). But I didn’t make any.
I collected yarn and itty, bitty needles and tried a few times but I wasn’t successful. The results were way too big, or way too small or too tight or too loose or just Not Right. Downright unsatisfactory. Until now:
I am so happy I could burst. There is something absolutely magic about knitting — One can take sticks and string and turn them into something useful and beautiful. I’m slightly amazed every time it works.
Of course, the process wasn’t without a few bumps in the road. The first was getting comfortable and skilled enough as a knitter. Comfortable is the key word here — often there is a gap between what we know how to do and how comfortable and confident we are doing what we know. Then I had to find the right yarn and the right pattern. If you aren’t a knitter, you would be amazed by the number of choices out there!
In February I received the yarn in a swap sponsored by a knitting e-mail list where I’m a member. At first I tried to turn the yarn into a scarf but it wasn’t willing. I liked the colors and the pattern, but the resulting fabric was too unyielding. A scarf, especially one that is a little lacy, should be flowing not stiff.
The next challenge was to find a pattern. I didn’t want something too plain and also not too challenging. Size was an issue as I have larger than average size feet. Many of the cute women’s sock patterns I found didn’t come in my size and I wasn’t about to adapt something on my first try. I finally settled on this one. I love the patterns on this site but this is the first one I purchased. I found it easy to read and follow and I’m sure I’ll purchase more in the future (her scarves and shawls are especially beautiful).
One sock was finished except for sewing closed the toe when I thought to weigh the sock and remaining yarn. Good thing as I was running a little bit short! The finished sock weighed 52 grams and the remaining yarn only 49 grams. I decided to rip back the toe and find a complementary yarn to finish off the socks. I tried a few solid yarns and, even though they matched one of the colors in the body of the sock, the contrast was just too glaring. In the end, I used a complimentary color and alternated rows with the main yarn. I think it turned out pretty well. Almost as though it was planned that way.
Actual knitting time, from beginning to end was about three months. Of course, I am not a monogamous knitter. I often have a few small projects at hand and am occasionally playing around with new ones. When a project frustrates me, it may find itself in a ‘time out’ while I ponder how to solve the problem. That happened when I ran into the problem of the toes and thought through a solution. Also, the bulk of my knitting time comes during my commute on the train and my attention was also captured by a few books during this time.
I’ll definitely be doing this again and have already chosen the next yarn (Sock #3 here). As this yarn has a lot more color action going on, I think I’ll use a plainer pattern.
Now, if Summer can just get out of the way, I have new, warm socks to break in!
Poem In Your Pocket Day April 29, 2010
Posted by phoenixhopes in Friends, Holidays, Poetry.1 comment so far
Today is Poem In Your Pocket day and I almost missed it! Unfortunately it’s an easy holiday to miss — no one gets the day off from work to celebrate (although, ironically, if I didn’t have today off I wouldn’t have taken the time to read the posting on another blog that mentioned it and would have missed it entirely again this year), there isn’t any special Poem-related holiday food, no decorations sold in stores. In all honesty I think I’m a bit too introverted/shy to actually pull a poem from my pocket and read it to someone. That just feels too awkward and geeky. Instead, I’ll share it with you!
I can’t remember where I first read this poem but lines have been stuck in my head for years and years. For a long time I thought it was in the Golden Book of Poems I got when I was in Fifth Grade.
Edited by Louis Untermeyer and illustrated by Joan Walsh Anglund, I LOVE this book. It’s one of the few books on my shelf from my childhood and I pick it up much like eating comfort food. The pictures are sweet (how could Joan Walsh Anglund be anything but sweet?) and the poems are memorable. Someday I’ll share more of my favorites but the poem that stuck in my mind isn’t found there.
Over the years I searched the internet. I had no idea who the author was or even the title of the poem, but the first four lines stuck in my memory. Recently I googled the first line again and finally I found it!
VIII
The world is cold and gray and wet,
And I am heavy-hearted, yet
When I am home and look to see
The place my letters wait for me,
If I should find one letter there,
I think I should not greatly care
If it were rainy or were fair,
For all the world would suddenly
Seem like a festival to me.
Sara Teasdale
These lines run through my mind regularly when I’m headed home at the end of a long day. I may have been among people all day on the bus and train, in the office and cafeteria, but they aren’t my heart-friends. I’m sociable but there are no real connections. The real me is hidden behind the office persona. But when I get off the train, tired and dragging from the day, and start the 7 minute drive home, I think about what is waiting and the day gets immediately brighter.
First are my real, physical connections — are any of my children home? Has the cat missed me? Who might I see tonight at music practice or in the store? And then I think about my friends inside “the place my letters wait for me”, my computer. Did anyone send me a personal e-mail or post to my Facebook page? What updates will I find on my favorite blogs? Did someone who knows me, the real me not just the office persona that most of the world sees, send me something personal today?
Today my friends, I share my poem with you. My world is brighter because you are part of it.
Christmas in April April 22, 2010
Posted by phoenixhopes in Christmas, Holidays, Kids, marriage, Procrastination, thoughts.add a comment
Why is it so freaking difficult for me to box up and put away the Christmas stuff? Here it is the end of April and the stockings are still hung on the bookcase with care, the few ornaments I used last year and other items are still piled on the coffee table and all the boxes of decorations are sitting in plain view to the right of the TV where I put them weeks ago when I was filled with good intentions.
I know at least part of the answer is that I’m a procrastinator and a clutter-bug with selective vision. I simply don’t quite see what I don’t want to see. It’s rather easy for me to think and say I’ll get to that next weekend. And yet, how many weekends since New Years Day? I don’t think I’ll count them.
Bottom line, I just don’t want to address the memories. I’ve had quite a bit of success cleaning my life of the junk from my marriage. I have new furniture (especially a new bed and everything that comes with it), new location, new music, new friends, etc. I’ve gotten rid of or avoid the things that hold bad memories. If it makes me uncomfortable, I’ve moved on. But the Christmas stuff involves more than just me. These boxes also hold my kids’ memories and so I can’t sweep them into the trash.
Christmas is a time set apart from the rest of our life. The memories found there are segregated from the rest of the memories. It should be a magical time and opening the boxes of decorations each year should be a time of anticipation and joy. For me, the past few years opening these boxes has brought so much dread that for three years I avoided it completely and left the boxes buried in the garage. I’m reminded not so much of the bad times but of the bad man. My memories of Christmases Past are intertwined with memories of my ex. It’s like an inoperable tumor — I can’t cut out the bad memories without cutting out the joyful ones.
I may be dealing with selective memory here, but I don’t have many bad memories of Christmas. Oh sure, there was stress and expectations, trying to do too much, trying to meet everyone’s needs–but I don’t remember many fights or much anger. Too much alcohol and dealing with a drunk guy– that I do remember that but then again, that was all the time, not just Christmas. There are ornaments that remind me so much of my ex that I want to burn them, but I can’t get rid of them. I wonder what they might mean to my kids, if they have good memories attached that I have no right to erase.
In the eight years since he has been out of our lives I have spent little time facing the memories with my kids. I’ve come to terms with many things on my own and listened to them when they have wanted to talk, but rarely have we discussed it together. I’m still guarded, careful not to influence memories of their father. They know little of the details about what it was like to be married to him. I tell myself it’s not appropriate or important to share the indignities, the awful things he said. They know how he treated me at home and in public but don’t know what went on behind closed doors or how it all affected my core.
Today I am again choosing to delay dealing with the memories However, I do have a day off work and my other plans fell through so I will finally get those boxes out of my line of sight. No sorting, culling, organizing or embracing the memories, simply box them up and put them in the closet. Maybe it’s denial but I prefer to think of it as healthy postponement. I’m not pretending this part of my life doesn’t need to be examined, I’m just not ready to face it. It is a difficult job to look my past life square in the face and I’m simply not up to it yet again.
Discovering my path April 22, 2010
Posted by phoenixhopes in Uncategorized.2 comments
“It takes courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are.” ~~ E.E. Cummings
I’m not sure about how courageous it might be, but it certainly has been a challenge to first figure out, and then live out who I really am. I wonder sometimes why I often feel compelled to share my private thoughts on this blog. In person, I tend to be fairly private. I’m willing to share my thoughts and try to be as transparent as possible, but I tend to keep things to myself unless asked.
It is easier to share here. I’m not forcing my thoughts on anyone — if they find their way here and want to read, that is their choice. I’m sure this also has much to do with my introverted tendencies. Even though the blog is open to the big, wide world of the Internets, it feels more like a one-on-one conversation. I’m talking to myself and letting others listen in.
I totally understand the following quote found in the Encyclopedia of an Ordinary Life (fun book, by the way)
“Many things I would not care to tell any individual man I tell to the public, and for knowledge of my most secret thoughts, I refer my most loyal friends to the bookseller’s stall” ~~Montaigne
Given the opportunity to visit over a cup of coffee (or maybe something stronger) I would share in person what I share here and certainly much more. Unfortunately, the ones I would most enjoy that time with are spread across the globe and life hasn’t provided us with those coffee breaks. I’ll continue to share my thoughts here as I figure out who I am and hope you’re listening over a cup of your favorite beverage.
100 random things about me March 14, 2010
Posted by phoenixhopes in randomness, thoughts.9 comments
1. I was born in Santa Rosa, CA.
2. My middle name is Elizabeth.
3. When I was about 4 I went through a very short phase where I wanted to be called Beth because it was the only part of my name I could spell.
4. I lived in the same house my entire childhood.
5. Since moving away from my childhood home I’ve had 9 different addresses.
6. I’m the youngest of 4 children – Boy, Girl, Boy, Girl
7. Being the youngest has its advantages — I can remember getting some privileges at the same time my older sister did. She is 7 years older than me.
8. I have 4 children — Boy, Girl, Boy, Boy
9. The most intense love I’ve ever experienced has been towards my children.
10. Parenting my oldest was a huge experiment that seems to have worked well.
11. I don’t think parenting girls is easier than boys, or parenting boys is easier than girls. Parenting is a challenge and each child is challenging in different ways.
12. Each child is also a joy in different ways.
13. I don’t have a favorite color, number or food.
14. It might be more accurate to say I have many favorite foods — Cardamon Rolls, Lindt Lindor Truffles, Pizza, Mashed Potatoes, Spicy Turkey, dead ripe Peaches, Apple Butter, Fresh Bread.
15. I’ve never smoked anything.
16. I learned to drive a stick shift in San Francisco. Driving a truck. OK, it was a little Toyota truck but still a truck.
17. San Francisco is my favorite city and I miss it very much. Maybe someday I’ll get to visit again.
18. Sometimes I watch TV shows or movies simply because they are set in San Francisco.
19. For the most part I like living in the Midwest but the horizon is boring and it’s too far from the Ocean.
20. I watch more TV than I like to admit.
21. I’ve been knitting so much lately that my hands hurt. I think it’s because I’m using small needles.
22. I’m about half way through knitting my first sock. I’ve attempted socks before but they didn’t turn out well. Too big. Too small. Too wonky. I think this one will work and I’m starting to get excited.
23. I’m an introvert. This is often confused with shyness and I’m not shy.
24. I have really big and wide feet and have a hard time finding shoes that are both good-looking and comfortable.
25. I choose comfortable shoes over good-looking.
26. I never ever wear high heels and rarely wear any heels at all.
27. I’ve never had a pedicure.
28. Or a manicure.
29. Every day I try to knit a little and read a little.
30. Last month I sent and received over 1200 text messages.
31. My favorite season is Spring.
32. I seriously dislike going to the Dentist.
33. I often wonder how my life would have turned out if I would have zigged instead of zagged.
34. I once thought about becoming vegetarian but realized I really like meat too much to give it up.
35. I take the train to work every day and use the time to knit and read.
36. I tried internet dating — it’s not for me. I know people who met their love online and married but most of the men I met were just plain weird.
37. I’m older than my mother was when she died. Every day I remember how short life is and hope I’m not frittering away my time.
38. I have mountains of books waiting to be read and still can’t resist the siren song of a library book sale.
39. I love Thursday night TV on NBC.
40. I have a hard time shaking off some of the negative experiences I’ve lived through.
41. I never finished my college degree and often think about going back to school. The cost is one hurdle to overcome but more than that I’m afraid of failure. What if I’m not up to the work? How can I balance school and a job? Am I ready for homework?
42. Netflix is my friend.
43. My first car was a Plymouth Duster
44. I stayed married longer than I should have because I believed two lies — “Good Christians don’t get divorced” and “Even a bad father is better than no father”. I wonder how much pain could have been saved if I realized those were lies.
45. I didn’t realize I was capable of hating anyone as much as I once hated my ex.
46. I don’t regret marrying him because without that unique combination of genes, the wonderful young people I know as my children would never have come into existence.
47. Sometimes I feel like a failure as a mother.
48. There are 114 subscriptions on my blog reader. Most of the time I just skim through the blogs but when I have the time and mental energy I like to go back and really read them.
49. I don’t like the semi-annual time change.
50. My ‘guilty pleasure’ TV includes Cops and Lockup.
51. I started wearing glasses the year I turned 30 and got bifocals the year I turned 40.
52. It’s almost St Patrick’s day and I still have Christmas decorations in my living room.
53. I am really, Really bad at remembering actors names or the movies they were in. “You know, that guy… he was in that movie where he fell in love with that girl…”
54. I’m even worse with names of songs and who sings them. If I’m lucky I might get the genre or timeframe correct.
55. I first memorized my home phone number using an EXchange word instead of the first two numbers – Liberty-5-5582
56. I’m pretty competitive but try to keep that side hidden. Sometimes I’d rather not play at all then open myself to the possibility that I might lose.
57. I tend to have long, drawn out, vaguely philosophical discussions in my head at all times.
58. I can eat an entire box of Girl Scout Thin Mints in one setting.
59. I like trying new recipes.
60. I find it easier to cook for ten than for two.
61. I prefer an electric toothbrush.
62. I wish I could afford multiple pairs of Birkenstocks.
63. The first cup of coffee each morning is heaven.
64. Although I’m a bit of a coffee snob, I drink the free stuff at work without complaining. Mostly because I don’t really think of it as coffee — it’s warm, flavored liquid that supplies some caffeine.
65. I don’t like Starbucks and wish there were more independent coffee shops.
66. I am the opposite of sure-footed.
67. I’m disenchanted with church and Christianity but haven’t abandoned my faith in God.
68. I first got online in the late 80′s with a 1200 baud dial-up modem and Prodigy.
69. I doubt I’ll ever own my own house again.
70. If you can’t make your point without resorting to yelling, name calling and character assassination, then you haven’t made your point.
71. It’s better to be single than to wish you were.
72. Chocolate is an essential food group.
73. I’m an INFP on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (sometimes I come out as INTP).
74. I hate to be late but I frequently am.
75. Naps are an important part of Sunday afternoons.
76. I rarely remember my dreams. The ones I do remember are vivid and timely and stick with me a long time.
77. I love sourdough bread.
78. I don’t mind washing dishes, but I don’t like putting them away.
79. My cat is slightly neurotic, but doesn’t that describe all cats?
80. I haven’t ridden a bicycle in longer than I can remember. 15 years? 20?
81. I graduated high school in 1976 celebrating the school centennial and the country’s bicentennial.
82. You couldn’t pay me enough to live my teenage years over again.
83. Although our government is not perfect, I believe it is more good than bad.
84. I love grilled cheese sandwiches.
85. Choosing to have chocolate cake for dinner is one of the perks of being a grown-up.
86. People seem to think that I am strong and confident but I know that it is largely an act.
87. I’ve always been surrounded by musicians — first my brother, now my very talented kids. I see myself as musical but not a musician.
88. If I had a spare $300 I’d buy one of these and roast my own coffee. I’ve roasted coffee on the stove and using a air popcorn popper. One of these would be sweet because it has a smoke reduction feature and can be used indoors.
89. I don’t like green bell peppers and will pick them off my pizza.
90. My car radio buttons are set to three different NPR stations.
91. My favorite holiday is Thanksgiving. Love the food but love the time with family more.
92. I don’t have a passport. The only time I’ve spent outside the US is a day in Victoria, British Columbia when I was 4 and a few hours in Tijuana, Mexico when I was 8.
92. I’ve already started thinking about what I want to make for Christmas presents this year.
93. I’ve visited at least 26 states but all I’ve seen of some of them is the Interstate.
94. The only bones I’ve broken have been toes.
95. I often bring my camera but rarely use it.
96. A deep breath and counting to 10 really can thwart an argument.
97. I love babies and am looking forward to grandchildren someday.
98. I have a lot of questions but I don’t like it when someone tells me the answers. I prefer to talk through my questions and reason out the answers together.
99. I know that not all questions even have answers.
100. Making this list was a lot more difficult than I thought it would be!
A Happiness Moment February 22, 2010
Posted by phoenixhopes in Books, Goals, life.add a comment
Check out the comments under my last post… the author of The Happiness Project stopped by! I noticed Gretchen’s comment while I was at work today and boy, did that make my day. It was a small act on her part, but she took the time to take a look at my little corner of the internet and leave me a smile. I’ve been grinning ever since.
The Happiness Project February 16, 2010
Posted by phoenixhopes in Books.3 comments
Have you ever contemplated your life and found it vaguely unsatisfactory? You realize you have a good life overall — friends, family, home, interests — your life is full. At the same time, something is missing. You’re going through the motions, running on the treadmill of responsibility, missing the small things, not quite realizing the happiness that should be there.
This frame of mind is where Gretchen Rubin found herself one morning. Her life was good but she often missed the details and didn’t fully appreciate her life. It wasn’t that she was unhappy with her life or an unhappy person, but there were too many times when she also wasn’t quite happy. Times when she was irritated or peevish or simply not very nice.
In her book, The Happiness Project, Gretchen spent a year focused on activities to increase her happiness. She modeled her year loosely on Ben Franklin’s Thirteen Virtues and focused on one part of her life each month. Since she is a full time writer and the Happiness Project was also her work project, she also included plenty of time for research on happiness theories. As the months progressed, she built on what she had learned in the previous months. Out of that year a blog was born and a book was written.
I’m intrigued with the concept. On the one hand I’m a bit uncomfortable. It seems self indulgent to focus on my own happiness as though I am the center of the universe. On the other hand, the only person I can change is me and if I am happy, content, at peace with my life, then my interactions with the world around me will be more positive.
Most of what Gretchen shares in her book is common sense stuff. Taking care of yourself physically (exercise, adequate sleep, eat right) will help your mood. Children grow up in a blink so make the effort to make happy memories, work on projects together and be silly. Follow your passion. Enjoy now. Try something new. Be grateful. Laugh. Be nice. Cut people slack. Make time for your friends. What makes her Happiness Project unique is purposing to examine any and every way to increase happiness.
I love reading memoirs and love this new non-fiction genre of “spend a year doing something and write about it”. It is so much more enjoyable to read stories of how an individual tackled an issue, what they learned, where they struggled and failed, how they succeeded, than it is to read a more academic self-help book. Somehow, reading one person’s story inspires me more to consider how to incorporate the ideas into my own life.
Although I’m not quite inspired to launch my own full blown Happiness Project, I hope I’m more aware of the little joys in my life. I want to challenge myself to learn something new. I want to live in the now instead of fretting over the past or worrying about the future. I want to remember that “the days are long but the years are short” and to enjoy and appreciate as much as possible.
